(To the author of this satirical letter, thank you for contributing.)
Ender:
I read through the Gary Snyder web site, and I have to disagree with you about it being all obfuscation. I haven't had a chance to listen to his radio show, but that's only because it's on during the time when I relax with some scrapbooking or delint my toenails.
I'm hoping that I can change your opinion about Snyder, because we are living in a dangerous world, and we need his voice. We need someone to fight against the forces of moderation and reasoned political debate. We need someone who wants the win so badly that he'll make crap up, go for the jugular while putting a knee to the groin, and have the guts to stoop lower in public than you're willing to even think in private. Gary is that man.
It's not just the attack, either. It's also the wit: transmuting the Stoffel surname into "Upoffel" being a case in point. BRILLIANT! It's almost like Mark Twain and Kurt Vonnegut got it on and had an intellectual love child.
You may not like Gary now, but some day you might need a snarling,slobbering attack dog, and you'll have to turn to him or someone like him. Some injustice may befall you, or you may face an opponent so menacing, that you need to do more than just write a terse letter to the editor or blog post. You might need someone so filled with vitriol that he will be on the attack 24/7. Don't you want a canis Snyderus in your kennel? Don't you want to feel the force of that hate straining against the choker chain just before you say, "Sic 'em, Gary" and let go?
Now, many decry the supposed "devolution" of political discourse in this country, and to those critics I say, "FIFFLE-FAFFLE". Admittedly, spelling and grammar have taken a hit in the past few decades, but look at how much we've improved at Photoshopping Hitler mustaches onto people. Look at how much extra mental energy we have left over when we avoid the issues and get into the mud. Intellectually lazy, you say? I just say "mentally efficient".
Be honest. Where have political debate, think tanks and rich boy Yale grads gotten us so far, really? Exactly- right where we are right now- completely and utterly horse jacked. We've given the smart people a chance, and they blew it. Let's hand the reins over to the louts and blowhards. We need to create a nation fashioned after Gary’s website. The person who can't have their beliefs swayed by even the strongest empirical evidence and rational explanations gets to be the President. The loudest yeller becomes Vice President.
With luck, Snyder will help usher in a new reality in America- one where vehemence trumps rationality and where people aren't afraid to bully and attack their way to the top. And I'm not talking about bullying and attack being reserved for the political arena. That behavior must be applied to all aspects of life in order for its ethos to be internalized as an action orienting force and not die as some abstract political concept. Your wife wants to go to Arby's for dinner? Tell her she's a bag, drive her to Taco Bell, and then humiliate her on Twitter. Get what YOU want and make sure other people know you got it. "Decency", "restraint" and "propriety" are all crutches, and we'll never get ahead if we keep respecting other peoples' opinions and restaurant preferences. If you let your wife get her way, then you might as well let the U.N. come in and teach your daughter how to emasculate her next boyfriend. It's a continuum.
We need to start encouraging bullying behavior to turn this country into a place so loud and obnoxious that we won't need a border fence, because immigrants will be too scared to come here.
So, in closing I say, "Shine on, Gary Snyder. I'm glad you're on your side."
-Lazlo Toth
